Ramblings of An Immortal Teenager
by LysCat
Summary: This is a short, one-shot. Years after their last meeting in Willoughby, Elena writes Elijah a letter.


Title: Ramblings of An Immortal Teenager  
Author: Alysia  
Summary: Elena writes a letter to Elijah years after their last meeting. A short one-shot.  
Author's Note: So, I'm probably taking a lot of liberties with facts and ignoring some, so I apologize should that offend any of you. I don't want TO, so what I know about it is based on here say, and that isn't much as it is. It breaks my Elejah heart to think about Elijah with anyone other than Elena. Also, I'm sorry for being away for so long, my computer broke on me and I had to get it fixed. So I took pen to paper and this was the first of two one shots that I started, and I'm hoping you guys will forgive me for not updating AOF.  
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters familiar to either TVD or TO.

* * *

Part 1  
Her Letter

_Dear Elijah,_

_I don't even know why I'm writing this. Caroline tells me that in order to move ahead in my life, I need to come to terms with my past. Whatever that means…and however much it entails, I still haven't figured out. My friend is one of the most deeply thinking, shallow people I've ever known. And you know her, so you know that I don't mean anything against her in my judgment. I'd give my life up for hers and despite anything that she says or dies, I love her dearly. _

_As soon as she suggested it, it sounded easy enough. And then I got to thinking. I think about those who have wronged me, those that I've wronged, and oddly enough, your name was at the forefront of my thoughts. And so I've been sitting here for the last half hour thinking of everything that our relationship entails. I'm not even sure if 'relationship' is the best word to describe whatever it is that exists between us. All I know, is that it hasn't been easy. I've started several drafts to this letter, but each time, I stop, never knowing how to continue. So because of that, I'll just end up writing down everything that crosses my mind. I apologize in advance for the nonsensical prattling of an immortal teenager. Caroline affectionately calls it 'word vomit,' and you'll probably notice that this letter is not so nearly composed as the one you once left me. _

_First of all, I need to apologize for the way I acted in Willoughby…and the things I said. I suppose that the circumstances cause some excuse, but I never was able to apologize before you left. And I don't just mean about things that occurred that day, but everything that lead up to it, everything that I've done… Which, I do plan on getting to during the course of this letter. _

_As you may have guessed, my transition wasn't nearly as smooth as one would like. Then again, how many people are prepared to die? After being involved with Stefan for so long, I guess that I was trying to mentally prepare myself for it, but it was an obvious fail. Given the fact that you'd offered me a way out of dying that didn't include becoming a vampire, you knew that it wasn't my first desire. Hence the reason why I said I was mentally preparing myself for changing. _

_And in hindsight, I understand Damon's actions at the hospital that night, but the circumstances were…I was angry. I was angry and disappointed with him, with Stefan. And that anger did nothing but fester, though I didn't realize it at the time. Even though I told Stefan to save Matt first, I was still angry with him. I mean I'm glad that Matt is still alive, but I didn't understand why Stefan couldn't save both of us. And I think he knew that, knew my feelings, even if I tried to tell him differently. _

_Jeremy's death was the breaking point. I was emotional, near inconsolable. No, I think I was past that, considering that I burnt the house down. The two people who swore to protect and care for me let me down in the possible way. I won't bore you with a recap of my twisted relationships with both Stefan and Damon, you know a large chunk of it through firsthand knowledge. But they both disappointed me. In the end, neither was willing to be there when I needed them most. Stefan could never console himself to my change and I could never change into the woman that Damon wanted me to be. _

_Katherine has been a thorn in my side since the first time I came face to face with her. Knowing about her was one thing, but she turned my existence upside down. Growing up with a slightly younger brother, I never had to deal with sibling rivalry, not the way I imagine you had to when you dealt with your brothers. I've heard that sibling rivalry is awful, but I think it lacks in comparison to what I experienced because of her. I could never truly escape her, much the way you felt with Klaus. At least you mended your relationship, I know with a certainty that will never happen with Katherine. _

_When your sister and I stopped in Willoughby and discovered Katherine's presence, I never imagined that you were her contact. And when I pretended to be her, you were the last person I expected to meet under that gazebo. After everything that you'd said about Katherine, I never thought you'd go back on your criticisms. _

_I mocked you and the one thing that I once treasured. Until learning about Katherine, I thought you meant your words. You are always careful about selecting your words. _

_Always_

_Forever_

_Apart, they each have certain, unarguable meanings. But together, they were/are an oath. You didn't use them lightly. And when you attached them in your letter, I think my heart skipped a beat. I couldn't believe that you held me in such high regard after everything I'd done to you. _

_But everything changed that day in Willoughby, didn't it? I ruined the tentative friendship we shared. I disappointed you. You never actually voiced it, but I could see it in your gaze. I didn't care then, but I do now. I hate that I was the reason for it. I hate that I tarnished the once pure thing that existed between us, our mutual understanding. _

_I've done a lot of reflecting lately. I'm attempting to make amends with those that I wronged. I'm attempting to move on with my life. It certainly isn't easy . And perhaps I'm taking the coward's way out by writing this instead of saying these things face to face. _

_I don't even know if you'll accept my words. If I stood before you, would you even listen to me? Because you owe me nothing, yet I find myself hoping that you'll take pity on me. _

_I'm sorry for my actions and words that day. I'm sorry I wasn't able to make amends before you left. I'm even partially sorry that things didn't work out between you and Katherine. You could do so much better than her, but I'm sorry that you were burned by her. _

_Although, from what I understand through Caroline, you seemed to have moved on relatively well. She said something about Hayley… Do you always make it a priority to form intense relationships with women who are closely tied with or to Klaus? Tatia, Katherine and now Hayley? Given the fact that she carried your brother's child, isn't that something one would see in an independent film? No judging of course, since I was so closely tied to Stefan and Damon._

_And I can actually write 'was' and mean it. I knew my dependence on them, my attachment was dangerous and unhealthy. I finally did something about it. I can honestly say that I'm doing well without either of them. I can't say they are both completely out of my life thought, but they're out of my everyday life, which is a major feat. _

_I wish you well and I hope you fine the happiness you deserve. Perhaps one day we'll be able to meet again and start over. _

_Always and Forever,_

_Elena_

It had been weeks since she began her journey of recovery. From the moment that she'd dropped her letters in the large, metal mailbox, she'd second guessed her actions. More specifically, she doubted her letter to Elijah. She hadn't been sure what she was expecting afterwards, but she couldn't help but wonder if he'd read the entirety of her letter. Had she offended him in any way? Had she taken a liberty that she had no right to take in contacting him? She had no answers to her questions or doubts.

In the days that followed, life continued on in the same mundane course. She woke up, went to work and returned to her solitary existence. She didn't make friends with her coworkers, opting to go home instead of going out with them. The truth was, she was lonely. Maybe it was time to buy a pet?

As soon as she entered the hallway, she knew something as off. Her senses were going haywire; something that happened when she was in the presence of an unfamiliar vampire. Whoever it was, reeked of power and Elena mentally prepared herself. Fight or flight, she'd attempt to be ready for whichever course of action.

"I never thought you'd inhabit such dwelling."

As soon as she heard the voice, her shoulders slumped and she expelled an unnecessary breath. "Elijah…"

"Hello, Elena," he greeted, stepping out of the shadows.

* * *

Part 2  
His Response

"Can I get you something to drink?" She asked, after inviting him into her modest apartment. With a critical gaze, she eyed the apartment for any small messes she may have left that morning. Given the money that she made, she'd been able to afford a very small, one bedroom apartment. Compared to the life she'd once had, it wasn't much but from what she understood, it was jewel compared to some of the other apartments that others lived in. And it didn't take much of a mess to give the illusion of an even smaller of even dirty apartment. From the moment she'd moved in, she'd felt a sense of accomplishment, and she'd never once found an issue with it. However, she found herself curious about his thoughts as he discretely checked it out.

"That isn't necessary," he denied, claiming a seat on the couch.

"I understand it isn't," Elena responded from the kitchen as she reached for a pair of wine glasses. Making her way towards the refrigerator, she reached for a blood bag and her unfinished bottle of red wine. Mixing the blood and wine together, she joined him on the couch, handing him a glass.

He thanked her before turning to look at the furnishings. She didn't have much, not that he blamed her. Her home wasn't large enough to buy an excess amount of furniture. However, the items that she did were tasteful and worked well together. "I must admit, I didn't take you for a city girl." For some reason, he figured that she would have chosen to move to a small town, something similar to Mystic Falls in size and traditions.

She smiled in reply. "I never imagined moving to New York," Elena confessed with a casual shrug of her shoulders. "Before I was changed, I didn't know if I'd always stay in Mystic Falls, but I never considered moving here." New York had been on her places to visit, but not to live. She couldn't even claim a pleasant surprise on moving there, but it was what she needed.

He sipped his drink, turning his attention on her. "And how do you like New York?" He'd taken up residence there a century and a half earlier. It was crowded then, and it had only grown worse in the decades since then. Cities were the best place to inhabit. Without the close knit community, it was easier to live without attracting attention to the fact that he never aged.

"It's busy so my mind doesn't have time to wander. My neighbors leave me alone." It was an adjustment. She was used to others knowing her business, always greeting her. "And it's hard to find someone in a sea of eight million people."

His brows furrowed. "Is that what you want to do? Disappear?"

Carefully, so as not to spill her drink, she shrugged her shoulders. "The important people in my life know where I am." Stefan and Damon knew that she was in New York, but she refused to tell them her exact address. Instead, she kept in touch with them through phone and email. But the rest of her friends knew exactly how to reach her if they needed to. "And you found me," she observed knowingly, having made sure that her return address was not her home address.

"It wasn't so hard." At least it hadn't been for him, not with his resources.

Elena finished her drink and sat it on the coffee table before them before turning back to him. "Why did you come, Elijah?"

He set his glass down before reaching into his jacket pocket, showing her the letter in his hand.

"My letter…" She breathed. She pulled her attention from the object in his hand and settled it on his face. She'd assumed it was that much, but she honestly hadn't anticipated a visit from him. She thought that he'd read it before never thinking on her again.

"I thought it was my letter," he observed pointedly.

"Yes. No, I just…you came all this way because of it?" Had she offended him in some way?

He put it away before continuing on. "You mentioned a few things that I felt needed to be addressed."

Her brows furrowed together in confusion. "Did I offend you in some way?"

"On the contrary," he denied her easily. "You left me rather speechless," his confession was quiet, but he knew it was heard all the same. "You wrote that you thought I was disappointed in you when we spoke that day."

She nodded, a knot of dread settled in her stomach. There was no reason for him to clarify which day, and to question him about it would be an insult.

"I was disappointed, Elena. But it was never aimed at you." He watched her lips drop into a frown. "I was disappointed in myself for seeing what happened to you, to see the mess that you'd become." There was no sugar coating it. Elena had always had such a brightness about her, he hated that that light had been extinguished. "I was angry with myself, with your Salvatore brothers for allowing you to reach such a low point…but not you."

"I never would have guessed," she confessed in a whisper. Not after her actions with Kol.

His lips twisted into a smirk. "And why would you?" He asked lightly. "I have never been comfortable sharing my emotions with anyone that was not closely related to me." It wasn't a luxury he could afford, not in his life. "And even then it is few and far between." He'd learned early on that his brother used everything to his advantage. Klaus knew how to take the glitters of emotions that he did share and use them against him.

She thought back to their interactions. Even when Elijah would share things with her, he still kept himself so detached from the situation. "No, I guess you don't," she allowed.

"You and I have been thrust together several times, Elena. We've both done things because of each other…to one another." He supposed it was the one reason why he hadn't retaliated against her for Kol's death. It didn't absolve her of anything, but he'd committed acts against her friends and family as well.

She nodded slowly. "Those first months of my transition were…" There was no excuse. "I did things."

"Yes, I'm aware of everything you've been party to," he admitted with a grave nod.

He didn't say more, but she was able to read the tone of her voice. He knew all about her role in Kol's death.

"So, why are you here?" Wouldn't it have made sense for him to just wash his hands of her?

"Because you've suffered enough, Elena," he answered simply. He gestured around the room they occupied. "You're miles from your home separated from your friends and family. You feed from blood bags…why?" He inquired. "Because you've taken several lives," he supplied after a pause, answering his own question. "You are responsible for the death of several humans and possibly thousands of vampires."

It was as if he'd had a glance into her soul. His observations were spot on and she was unable to keep his gaze.

Elijah watched her turn her head away from him. "You changed your life because of your reckless behavior. You live with that guilt day in and day out." He paused to consider his following words. "I see it on your face." He knew, because the same pained guilt was never far from his own facial features.

With her attention still focused on her hands, Elena found herself nodding along in acknowledgment to his words.

"What could I possibly do to you that you have not already done yourself? I could separate you from your friends, but you've already done that. I could hurt or kill them, but what would that accomplish at this point? You are doing nothing more than existing at this stage in your life."

"You've changed," she observed, meeting his gaze once more. The Elijah that she met that first time with Rose and Trevor would have killed her where she stood for the actions she committed against his family. He would have ripped her heart from her chest. "You're different from how you were before."

"Loss will do that to a man," he sighed. "I don't want to be angry the rest of my life." And that wasn't to say that his past actions hadn't brought on retaliation others. He had his siblings lived their lives without any regard to those that they came in contact with. "Most of my family is dead."

"Yes, but you have Klaus' child." It was still something she had a difficult time wrapping her thoughts around. She knew the child wasn't necessarily with them, but she was alive out there.

He nodded. "A new beginning," Elijah admitted. "The one spark of light in our dark existence." It had been the promise of a new life, the possibility of a better one.

"Hope…" Elena sighed. "It really was the perfect name for her," she allowed and then slipped into a moment of silence. "It's more than that," she admitted after a second of hesitation, though she knew he was right about the child. "Her mother…Hayley. You're different because of her."

Wisely, he chose not to comment.

"What's the deal between you two?" She asked, curious about the relationship he shared with her.

"No deal," he denied. "Things are complicated." He'd been there for her when his siblings weren't, and they grew attached to one another. And then came the time for her to turn into a hybrid, and she turned to Klaus for comfort.

She nearly snorted at his description. She knew exactly what he meant. If there was one thing she understood, it was complicated. And she really had no room to judge him for his choice in his romantic partner. Whether there had been promises made or not, there was an attachment on his end. She knew that much about him. "I hope you can happiness with her." The words felt foreign and insincere, bus she didn't stop to consider all of the reasons why. Despite whatever feelings he felt for Hayley, it was a tricky situation he'd placed himself in.

He shook his head. "A person's happiness should not be dependent on another." He didn't know what his feelings for Hayley meant or where they would him, but he refused to place his entire life's happiness on what may or may not happen. He'd been burned enough in the past to know that.

Huh… How come no one shard that piece of advice with her years ago? "Fair enough," she agreed. "Then I hope you find happiness…by whatever means."

He offered her a sad smile. "I am not the only one in the room who deserves it," he returned. Elena was paying for her sins, continued to pay every day.

Taking a page out of his book, she chose not to comment on his words.

"I should probably go," he admitted, standing up. "I'm anxious to return to New Orleans." He hadn't even told Klaus his true reason for venturing to New York. He'd left under the guise of having to take care of business.

Of course he would be. He probably had Haley waiting for him. The thought left a sour taste in her mouth and she once again had to school her features. "It was good of you to stop by." She led him towards the door.

Elena opened the door for him, but he made no move to leave. "I hope that you find your own happiness," he parroted. "You may not feel it now, but you do deserve it."

"I'll work on it," she allowed after a moment of hesitation. She wasn't sure how she'd accomplish it, but she would try.

"You do that." Stepping through the threshold, he turned back to her. "Take care of yourself, Elena."

"You too, Elijah. New Orleans seems to agree with you." When he turned around, she gently closed the door behind him. Letting out a weary sigh, she leaned against it.

Out in the hallway, Elijah found himself hesitant to walk away. He turned towards her door in contemplation on his face.

Rubbing her face, Elena pushed herself away from the door, intent on grabbing the wine glasses they'd left on the coffee table. However, she stopped when she heard the unmistakable sound of a shuffling on the floor behind her. Turning towards the door, she spotted a slip of paper and bent over to grab it.

_I enjoyed our conversation today and I look forward to more of your letters._

_-E_

For the first time in a long time, she felt as if a weight had been lifted off her shoulders. Life no longer seemed as bleak as it had that morning. She knew that she still had a long way off before being healed completely, but she knew with absolute certainty that she was on her way.

* * *

AN: So, what do you think? I know it wasn't much, and there wasn't any romantic Elejah-ness, but it has the promise of something more between them.


End file.
